NY Globalization Protest Results in Aerial Gunfire, Death

In New York today, the untimely death of a seventy-two year old Polynesian actor (name withheld pending notification of relatives) has prompted questions about excessive force used in response to protest actions. After a Broadway performance, the actor reportedly entered a restricted space atop the Empire State Building and may have utilized explosives or weapons to send debris hurtling to the street.

Former associates said his actions were most likely intended to express opposition to economic and social exploitation of small islands' impoverished economies, and that he was also incensed by US efforts to add "intelligent design" to school curricula in place of evolutionary theory.

The actor was killed and fell thousands of feet to the ground after onlookers reported hearing gunfire from circling aircraft.

Dead, Wounded, and Reassigned

Citing the need for "total victory in Iraq," a confidential White House memo disclosed today shows that claimed US troop reductions in Iraq, said to be in progress, are counting deaths and incapacitations as part of overall totals removed from duty.

The memo shows that over 2,100 troops killed and over 15,000 wounded have already been "reassigned or transferred to duties outside the engagement zone," allowing US President George W. Bush (Ret.) to claim in recent rhetoric that troop levels have already dropped. These levels are nearly on target with the reported goal of bringing 20,000 troops home by the end of December.

An internet video featuring a crudely drawn talking turkey, claiming to be an official statement from Al Quaeda in Mesopotamia, surfaced on Thursday. The animated character's voiceover expressed support for such progress, and promised to do everything in its power to accelerate the process of sending Americans home for their Christmas holiday.

Nobel Prizes Decried as Partisan

In a rare rant from the podium of the White House, US President George W. Bush (Ret.) today raged against the Nobel Foundation, awarders of the Nobel Prizes, for its "unswerving" dedication to "partisan ideology."

As Bush noted in his comments, "The Nobel Prize for Literature has consistently supported writers espousing left-wing ideologies. The prizes for Chemistry and Physics have consistently supported scientific approaches to innovation. And the prize for Peace has consistently supported persons whose ideas tear at the very foundation of our shared values. It is delusion to believe otherwise."

Bush pointed out that British playwright Harold Pinter used the 2005 literature prize award ceremony, held on December 7th, as a forum to "air unfounded grievances against United States policy, decisions he couldn't possibly have any idea about."

When asked what action, if any, might be taken to correct the situation, Bush answered, "They oughta be strung up by their feet and asked why they so blatantly promote partisan goals." "Given the volatility of the world today after September 11th," he said, "I think they need to let a little air in and consider other perspectives."

In over 100 years of activity, the Nobels have been awarded to a wide range of personalities across professional disciplines. The Foundation was created in 1895 by Swedish industrialist Alfred Nobel, who invented dynamite in 1866.

Victory Strategy Held Up As Triumph

US President George W. Bush (Ret.) formally unveiled the "National Strategy for Victory in Iraq," 2 years after the war was declared over.

The book begins by defining "victory" and declaring "victory in Iraq is a vital U.S. interest." Strategy is discussed in detail in the text, which concludes with a discussion of eight "Strategic Pillars" of policy and conditions for "victory."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld praised the work as a "triumph of the printer's art," saying "this would have been an excellent resource to have" in March 2003, when the war began. "Unfortunately," he added, "one sometimes has to go to war with the book one has," referring to the bestseller "Creeping Flesh: The Horror Fantasy Film Book, Volume 1," (published February 2003) which was his reading material at the time. He did concede that he had been privy to early drafts of some sections as recently as last year.

The publication of the document was timed by its publishers, the Government Printing Office, to coincide with a rerelease of the "National Strategy for Victory in Viet Nam" (originally published 1985) and the "National Strategy for Recovery from the Unfortunate Events of October 19, 1929," (originally published 1944).

Attacks on Critics Are Misdirection to Hide True Crisis: Cheney Can't Close His Mouth

Top US government officials admitted today that they are facing a real crisis. It is not a problem of lack of popular support or political direction but lies instead in a medical mystery: US Vice President Richard M. Cheney has been unable to close his mouth for three weeks, and doctors are stymied as to the cause.

Cheney's condition is thought to be a side effect of involuntary muscular contractions which over his lifetime have made his head constantly skew more to the right while his mouth grimaced to the left, a tendency Cheney's doctors had believed to be benign, and which sometimes worked to his advantage. Many political opponents say they found the contortions "scary" in close encounters, making Cheney a formidable debator. Sources now say that over the course of 2005, Cheney had experienced more and more difficulty closing his mouth, until finally on October 16th he found that he was entirely unable to bring his jaws together closer than an inch and a half.

The condition does not prevent Cheney from closing his lips or speaking, but aides and associates, including US President (Ret.) George W. Bush, are said to be "intensely concerned" for his health. He must now drink gallons of water through straws to prevent dehydration and there are numerous other complications. One aide recounted that he had suggested a mesh screen be put in place some weeks ago to counter the risk of small flying insects accidentally making their way into Cheney's mouth, which had happened several times during the fall, but the idea was shot down by Cheney's assistant, "Scooter" Libby. A medical team from Bethesda Naval Hospital is said to be working around the clock on finding a viable cure.

Due to the potential questions about Cheney's fitness for office with such a debilitating condition, aides had been told to keep it quiet at all costs, hence the increasing volume of attacks on critics. "Still," said one source, "the evidence is staring us all in the face."

Cheney's office did not return calls for comment.

(Photo: Reuters)

MPAA, RIAA, Sony Negotiating With Hospitals to Install Copy Protection Software in Newborns

The Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA), the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA), and Sony are reportedly in talks to improve copyright protection worldwide with the aid of major hospitals.

A cocktail of customized viruses administered to newborns will implant -- it is hoped -- neural pathways that will make it impossible for people to view unlicensed content, and that will erase within 90 minutes all memory of what was viewed or heard, aside from brief "samples" and the opinion that the piece was enjoyable and should be seen again as soon as possible.

The innovation comes just in time to save the floundering recording and motion picture industries, say analysts. Despite the billion-dollar profits enjoyed by the companies belonging to both associations, salary demands of top executives are expected to outstrip earnings growth by 2010. This transition from a worldwide "marketplace of ideas" to a worldwide "tenement house of ideas rented from content providers" is expected to formally usher in the age of domination by multinational corporations, which has been rosily depicted in numerous dystopic movies in the past several decades.

The Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) and other consumer advocate groups have expressed strong opposition to the practice. A consortium of computer experts and neurologists, in an anonymous full page ad in the Autumn 2005 issue of the magazine 2600 -The Hacker Quarterly, have vowed to crack the brain's programming and "d3f3at thi5 pd1ou5 form of w4r3z prot3ction" in favor of "pwn3d" content.

Oil Execs Demand Supply-and-Supply Economy

In unsworn testimony to the US Congress at a star-studded gala committee meeting today, executives of several oil companies advocated a step beyond simple supply-and-demand economic theory.

Lee Raymond, chairman of Exxon Mobil Corp., said the company issued a memo to stations in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, urging them to "minimize the increase in price while at the same time recognizing if we kept the price too low we would quickly run out [of fuel] at the service stations."

Chevron CEO David O'Reilly continued the point, stating, "our ability to maintain extreme oversupply of our products is integral to our company's ability to pay for Congressional perks such as fine food, mortgages, and re-election campaigns." He and other execs urged Congress to continue to ignore their continuing price gouging and uncontrolled profiteering, saying they were forces that "made this country what it is."

Raymond concluded by promising to provide all members of the committee with two "skilled" fellatrists and two tins of caviar for a gala dinner scheduled to take place in the same room fifteen minutes later, and called their attention to manila envelopes containing 50,000 USD he said were taped below their chairs.

Dachsunds Riot Against Injustice

Protesting thousands of dog-years of degredation and secondary status, millions of dachsunds have taken to the streets of Germany, frightening citizens, birds, and burrowing animals alike. Swarms of the dogs, famed for their courage and tenacity even in the face of much larger opponents, have blanketed the streets of Berlin and other German cities, snapping at the ankles of human pedestrians, refusing to come when called, gnawing through doors, toppling lampposts and fire hydrants, and raising echoing howls against injustices and the moon.

Dachsund supporters have long noted increases in the number of "degrading" situations the dogs have been forced to endure. Whether they are being forced to climb stairs, participate in weiner-takes-all drag racing, being overbred to create white or double-dapple coats, or simply being teased with fake chew toys, the hounds have declared they have had enough and wish to return to their traditional lives without excessive human rules and interference, where they will be free to chase badgers, rabbits, and other animals their own size and larger.

Human-dachsund relations reached a similar nadir in 1917, when human H. L. Mencken remarked that dachsunds were "a half-dog high and a dog-and-a-half long," which breed supporters called "reductive" and "contemptible." Many American dogs of dachsund descent renamed themselves "Liberty dogs" while battle lines were drawn. Millions of dachsunds and humans died during the brutal war that ensued, featuring massive casualties on both sides over years of prolonged trench warfare.

Pluto Has 3 Moons, 2 Mommies

The 9th (or at times 8th) planet revolving around the sun, Pluto, has been found to have 3 objects in orbit around it, according to astronomers. The moons, termed S/2005 P1 and S/2005 P2, were observed in May by the Hubble Space Telescope.

Also reported was the equally shocking discovery that Pluto was in fact created by the collision of two "now very feminine-looking" asteroids, dubbed L3Z9 and D8K6, a fact determined by calculation of their current trajectories. Their collision, billions of years before humans populated earth, created the planet Pluto but left slivers of the original bodies in unusual, swirling orbits which attracted scientists' attention.

Scandal Mounts as Dead Parrot In London Quarantine Found to be Elderly Lord

Amid fears of an incipient European pandemic of the deadly Avian Flu virus strain H5N1, London tabloids are abuzz with the news that the bird found dead in quarantine (after nearly muscling through the bars of its cage to freedom) was in fact a member of the House of Lords who was returning to England from abroad after mistakenly leaving the country classifed as "cargo."

The Lord, Baronet Sir George James Eric Weskin-Cholmondeley, apparently dozed off during a session of the House of Lords and, due to his diminutive size, was mistaken by cleaning staff that night for a stuffed animal. The supposed stuffed animal was not claimed after several weeks spent sleeping in a lost-and-found bin, then was shipped to Southeast Asia as part of a cargo of charitable donations of toys for victims of the December 2005 tsunami. The toy shipment was turned back by local authorities due to a paperwork snafu, and after another 3 months, Lord Weskin-Cholmondeley and the rest of the shipment found themselves remanded to their British port of origin.

By this time, of course, Lord W-C's identity as a living being had been discovered but his status as a human being had not been envisioned by the crew, due to his wizened, beak-nosed visage and propensity for uttering stock phrases such as "needs me tea 'n' crackers," "give us a snuggle, pretty Polly," and "y'blackguards! sell your rubbish somewhere-at else."

His death was mourned Monday by a sparsely attended memorial service at the port. His body remained held by port officials and the means by which he contracted the deadly flu virus remains unknown.

Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AL) promises to quit public service; hopes raised that others will follow suit

Senator Ted Stevens, Republican of Alaska and a sponsor of the infamous pork project, the "bridge to nowhere," responded Friday to arguments that the program should be sacrificed to prevent Federal deficit increases by promising to quit public service if the bridges were killed. "I don't threaten people; I promise people," said Stevens.

Some in Congress applauded the position. "He's right, it's not a threat, and promises to serve the country's best interests," said Senator Hillary Clinton, (D-NY). "I call for others to follow his lead and quit public service, beginning with President [Ret.] George W. Bush." House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) expressed divergent sentiments, saying, "It's an empty promise: Ted and others quit public service long ago, long before they ran for office."

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) put his thoughts succinctly: "Take the bridge, Ted. Take it," he quipped.

New Video iPod, iMac Offer Faster Rate of Unnoticed Deaths Per Minute

Statistics released by the United Nations World Health Organization (WHO) show that Apple Computer's new video-enabled iPod and webcam-equipped iMac will allow more preventable deaths to be ignored around the world, more quickly than ever before.

In great part due to the immense interest in Apple's products on the part of young people in first-world nations, and their need, once products are purchased, to stay close to electric outlets capable of charging or otherwise powering the devices, all forms of participation in charitable projects are down. The relentlessly empowered and upbeat consciousness instilled by content available for the devices -- primarily music, music video, and US network television -- also steers young people away from voluntarily entering environments with horrifying or depressing characteristics, such as sub-Saharan Africa, where the AIDS infection rate can reach the depressing, even horrifying rate of 38 percent of a country's population, despite comparable rates of jamming to Eminem and 50 Cent by youth. According to UNAids, the implementation of a comprehensive HIV prevention package could avert 29 million (or 63 percent) of the 45 million new infections expected to occur between 2002 and 2010. UNICEF reports that 0.30 USD can provide lifesaving antibiotics for a child suffering from pneumonia, and 1.00 USD immunizes a child against the deadly disease measles, while iPods retail for 99.00-499.00 USD. Nearly 11 million children each year – about 30,000 children a day – die before reaching their fifth birthday, mostly from preventable causes.

A Microsoft spokeman, speaking at Ziff-Davis Media's "Digital Life" conference held this weekend in New York City, said that his company's upcoming operating system, Windows Vista, would "break the back of bad-news awareness in ways Apple can only dream of," by being so enjoyable, so extensible, and offering so many options for entertainment, that a person could live their entire lifetime (translating to many generations in high death rate areas) without leaving their console.

Current rates of unharshed Pod-buzzes are at an estimated 35 percent of the North American households and climbing. A US government spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that "of course we encourage all forms of innovation, and this kind especially seems all right with me."

Leaders of several prominent nongovernmental charitable organizations called for immediate three-way videoconferences over DSL lines with the dying and misery-stricken to determine the parameters of the situation, and exhorted iPod accessory developers to bring forth a neon-colored solution that would enable digital music fans to instantly render aid at the touch of a click-wheel.

Al-Qaeda Statement Rejects "Doom" Review as False

A statement posted on an Internet forum, claiming to be written by Al-Qaeda in Hollywood leader Tariq al-Farsaleh, vehemently denies the possibility that a review of the movie Doom posted on the movie fan site Aint-It-Cool-News was truly written by a fan.

In part, the statement reads: "We utterly reject and condemn teh review as treacherous, false, and planted. It is a blasphemy upon nature, and based upon the self-deceptions and imagination of the trickster Globe Spinners [Universal Studios] and their evil agents."

The review, purportedly written by a person who plays video games, but has never played Doom, gives a qualified, but in the end very positive, response to the movie. It has drawn numerous criticisms from Al-Quaeda in Hollywood sympathizers, who have called for a massive boycott of the film as a response.

Among the deepest criticisms tendered was the (unfounded) rumor that the action of the film did not take place on Mars, unlike its video-game source. Recent press has led "hard" science-fiction adherents to embrace the recent film Serenity, and to complain that Doom's plot also does not involve a trip to a recognizably Judeo-Christian/Muslim version of Hell, as does the video game.

Other sources have called the film "Uwe Boll's best videogame adaptation yet" and "by far the worst movie I have seen in the last few years." The previous movie acclaimed as "worst" was the 2000 film Dungeons & Dragons, which Al-Qaeda in Hollywood cited as an incitement to topple the Hollywood studio system in a 2002 chatroom posting.

Greenspan Rises From Dead, Speeds Away in Coffin

According to defender of truth, justice, and the American Way (shortened to "AmWay" for the hip-hop generation) The New York Post, US Federal Reserve Bank Chairman Alan Greenspan (1926-2005, 2005-) who was killed and partially eaten in late August, has risen from the dead to win a 2006 Porsche Boxter convertible at a charity auction.

After a month in the grave, Greenspan emerged smiling and cheerful to take a phone call from auctioneers. When he found he had won the car he gave a quiet "thumbs-up," and hugged his wife, NBC reporter Andrea Mitchell, all the while beaming with the rational exuberance of the grateful, privileged dead.

Although he has not driven a car since 1987, Greenspan is one of the few Americans who can afford to fuel an internal combustion engine in today's gas market. Mitchell, however, expressed misgivings about allowing her recently returned husband to drive the car, which is capable of speeds of over 120 miles per hour. "My mom used to call convertibles 'open-air coffins,' and I don't want to lose him again so soon," Mitchell said in an interview.

It is unclear whether Greenspan has fully returned to life or remains dead, but animated. Banking industry sources report that he emits an offensive odor from time to time, but suggest that the smell may simply be the miasma of Bush Administration economic policy, which can be detected across the North American landmass.

Evolution Marshals Forces for War on Intelligent Design

Evolution is reportedly amassing forces in preparation for an all-out assault on the so-called "Intelligent Design" theory.

Billions of microscopic Avian Flu virii are being gathered in Asia to unleash havoc on human, avian, and other forms of life. Current plans call for the viral strains to strike the young and healthy, as well as the old and sickly, non-preferentially, causing each species' genome (the spectrum of possible genetic variations within the species) to evolve into another species with its own unique genome, according to a plan known as "punctuated equilibrium."

The viruses are but one component of Evolution's battle plan. Also at work are such events as weather patterns, earthquakes and other tectonic disasters, as well as astral events like the appearance of a comet in the sky which will strike madness and terror into many proponents of an essentially ordered universe, prompting massive suicides, genocides, or increased birth rates due to increased rates of coupling by terrified individuals.

Intelligent Design may preempt such actions or strike back, however, if its followers intentionally seize the reins of destruction. Options being weighed by Intelligent Design include such acts as intentionally releasing deadly microbes and pollutants into the global ecosystem, enacting arbitrary social patterns that purposefully allow certain aspects of their species's genome to thrive while others weaken, detonating a very large nuclear weapon in the earth's core (or a visiting comet) causing the astral body to explode, and the spontaneous generation of new species.

New Republican Leadership Choices Pondered

Although US Representative Tom DeLay (R-TX) is slated to return to the position of House Majority Leader after being tried for money laundering, rumors indicate some Washington Republicans believe that the time is ripe for a new leader.

Convicted serial bomber Richard Rudolph is among the names frequently mentioned. Rudolph, who bombed Atlanta's Centennial Park during the 1996 Summer Olympics, has stated his intention to run for a national leadership post from prison, and if he wins, would be a strong candidate on moral issues, although his imprisoned status and untested banking skills may lead some to raise logistical questions, such as his ability to attend fundraisers regularly.

Other names under consideration include Massachussetts Republican Party Vice Chairman, attorney Lawrence Novak, under investigation for suspicious bank deposits on behalf of a drug dealer client, and former Enron chief Ken Lay, who may provide an assonant replacement. Former HUD Secretary William Bennett, who recently called for the abortion of African-American pregnancies, once considered a shoo-in, should he decide to run for office, enjoys high approval with GOP race-relations opinionmakers but has disappointed anti-abortion activists, who say that all life is precious while in the womb, and that if necessary, non-Anglo-American children should only be allowed to perish after first being born.

The strongest candidate may be GOP lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who has not only exhibited fundraising and opinionmaking skills, but also boasts of connections to organized crime. Abramoff, along with Gambino family bookkeeper Anthony Moscatiello, has been linked to the murder of casino owner Konstantinos "Gus" Boulis in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, in 2001, who had reportedly feuded with an Abramoff business. "If Abramoff is convicted," reported Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, "he'll be rolling in political capital. You can't buy that."

Bush to Citizens: If Avian Flu Hits, We Will Bury You

US President George W. Bush (Ret.), speaking at a rare press conference Tuesday, discussed US plans for dealing with a potential avian flu outbreak. "Plans are in place," he stated, "to immediately provide vaccinations and anti-flu medications to the most important members of the Republican Party."

Bush added that US military forces were being retrained in use of entrenching tools to dig mass graves while simultaneously defending themselves from "diseased, zombie-like hordes" of civilians seeking food and medicine. All military personnel will receive printed materials reminding them of the "Kill the head, kill the zombie" rule and firing ranges are being kept open for extended hours to allow them to practice their shooting.

He also urged citizens to avoid risk of contracting avian flu by not speaking to or otherwise coming into contact with live, dead, or cooked birds, especially chicken, geese, and parrots, that appear diseased or dirty, and quarantining any suspected walking dead.

Halliburton Draft Will Leave Banking Industry High and Dry

In an effort to stem the massive flood of black ink expected from its US Gulf Coast cleanup efforts, contractor Halliburton issued an emergency call to its military wing in Washington, DC to draft all able-bodied investment bankers, stock analysts, accountants, and contract lawyers available.

Banking industry spokesman Edward Teffte III said the draft will bleed banks dry of necessary talent. "Where once innovative incentive programs existed will come a clamor of disgruntled customers seeking increased rates of return; in place of foreclosures we will see pillars of files on uncollected defaulted loans; instead of profits, we will know penury," Teffte said in a statement that brought tears to the eyes of many trophy wives at the International Banking Association's $10,000-per-plate dinner in Davis, Ohio, where he spoke. Officials at JP Morgan Chase and Goldman Sachs did not return phone calls for comment.

The draft is expected to begin in early December, hitting hard during the holiday retail season when money laundering is at its peak.

The White House is expected to fully comply with the measure. Republican Party talking points memos in circulation reportedly contained several bullet points on the subject, with the headline, "What's good for Halliburton is good for America."

Little Grover Tapped for FDA Post

After the abrupt resignation of Lester M. Crawford from the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA), timed to coincide with US Vice President Richard M. Cheney's knee surgery, the US Department of Health and Human Services surprised the scientific community by announcing the appointment of Grover the muppet as Director of the agency.

In a press conference, Grover said "I am so happeee!" while swaying side to side vigorously, mouth open in a friendly smile.

A White House press release said Grover's credentials as an educator, familiar to every American, made him a fine candidate for the job, and looked forward to "real progress" during his tenure. They denied that Bush 2004 campaign contributor (and drug manufacturer) The Letter E had exterted any influence on the decision, although E and Grover have historical, l-y been close, l-y linked.

Blair Orders Clinical Trial to Gauge Extent of "Moss Effect" on Children

Scotland Yard head Ian Blair, speaking in an evening news interview, said that the British government would fund a clinical trial to determine the extent to which British children have been influenced by supermodel Kate Moss. "It's the most rigorous way to decide whether to bring charges," said Blair.

Researchers plan to observe and obtain surveys regarding behaviors, attitudes, and medical histories for a large sample of British children and adults who had been exposed to the supermodel at ages 1-18. A group of British citizens who in statistical terms, had "never" experienced exposure to the 1990s waif-chic icon, will serve as the control arm of the study. Another cohort of individuals exposed to someone who is not famous, but who acts like Kate Moss, will round out the results.

Preliminary data is expected by 2010. In addition to its usefulness in determining whether Moss should be punished, researchers expect to be able to use some findings to develop antidotes for the Moss Effect syndrome. Hopes are high that a drug parents could easily administer to children found to have been exposed to Moss will be brought to market by 2025, when Moss, at age 51, will still pose a significant threat.

Supreme Being Apologizes for Collateral Damage After Recent Wraths

The supreme being of infinite space and time today issued a statement through a representative, Arthur Eety of Lawrence, Kansas, apologizing for the collateral suffering caused recent attempts to visit divine justice upon sinner George W. Bush, US President (Ret.).

"When OUR WROTH is GREAT, says the LORD," said Eety, "OUR response must be equally GREAT. With regret WE apologize for OUR poor aim."

Eety further instructed reporters, in other King James English-inflected phrases, that Hurricane Katrina had been aimed at Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas, and that Hurricane Ophelia was intended to "blot that NEST of VIPERS, Washington DC, from the FACE of this EARTH." The complexity of the planetary weather system, especially due to changes recently (in cosmic terms) wrought by the Industrial Revolution and Global Warming, as well as the need to manage all of spacetime simultaneously, as well as slow approvals from local supernatural agents, were the main reasons for the errors, Eety explained. Eety said the Supreme Being promised to make the afterlife "better than ever" as recompense for the suffering refugees endured. "Unfortunately," Eety said, "WE must visit WROTH with the weather systems WE have."

The deity expressed hope that recent failures would not persuade followers to turn for help to rival beings of divine power, such as the Ultimate Embodiment of All Evil, in Christianity variously known as The Devil or The Democrat.

No direct response was provided to questions whether more precise tools, such as tornadoes, prophets, or Judges, were available for enacting divine policy. However, according to files made available by Eety, a 1939 tornado intended to remove Adolph Hitler from Chancellorship of Germany proved highly inaccurate, instead uprooting small children from their Kansas homes and carrying them to other lands, such as Australia.

Bush to Nation: This Time, Reconstruction Should PRECEDE Civil War

White House aides have confirmed that US President George W. Bush (Ret.) will deliver a speech tonight focusing on the reconstruction of the US Gulf Coast. The programs and policies will be designed to simultaneously prime the nation for a new civil war and funnel monies into the pockets of individuals and corporations who were major supporters of Bush's 2004 re-election campaign, most of whom are "highly likely" to be on the winning side.

Staffers said that "substantial planning" had been done for this major policy push during Bush's monthlong vacation that ended only five days after Hurricane Katrina passed through the area.

The fault lines along which the nation is expected to divide are unclear, but numerous so-called avenues of exploitation exist. (The term is that used in White House memos on the subject.) A number of memorable lines are being considered for the speech, including "If you're with us, you're against us," "All you need is blood," and, in a nod to the death of 1960s-era liberal social ideals, "I have a dream."

Girl Bites Cat

In a stunning reversal of the heirarchies of nature, a young woman was bitten recently by a cat. According to eyewitnesses, the unidentified woman gave the cat a taste of its own cat-nip, by biting the cat on one of its front paws.

Not permanently injured but suitably chastened, the cat later apologized by peeing inside a printer and leaping onto a keyboard causing an email to be sent accidentally.

In other news, George W. Bush, US President (Ret.) blubberingly apologized to the United Nations in an address today, saying he was very sorry for wrecking the world but that he still needed it to drive towards peace and prosperity.

Somebody's Coming to Get You, Mama.

I want to give you one last story and I’ll shut up and let you tell me whatever you want to tell me. The guy who runs this building I’m in, Emergency Management, he’s responsible for everything. His mother was trapped in St. Bernard nursing home and every day she called him and said, “Are you coming, son? Is somebody coming?” and he said, “Yeah, Mama, somebody’s coming to get you.” "Somebody’s coming to get you" on Tuesday. "Somebody’s coming to get you" on Wednesday. "Somebody’s coming to get you" on Thursday. "Somebody’s coming to get you" on Friday. And she drowned Friday night. She drowned Friday night! [Sobbing] Nobody’s coming to get us. Nobody’s coming to get us. The Secretary has promised. Everybody’s promised. They’ve had press conferences. I’m sick of the press conferences. For god’s sakes, just shut up and send us somebody.

-- Aaron Broussard, President, Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, on NBC's Meet the Press



What didn't go right?

-- George W. Bush, US President (Ret.), to Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), House Minority Leader


If that second quote isn't perfidious, I don't know what is.

Bush Acts Quickly to Give Aid and Comfort to Latest Katrina Victim

US President George W. Bush (Ret.) acted quickly to provide succour to Hurricane Katrina victim Michael D. Brown, on reports Brown was having difficulties at work as a result of the hurricane.

Due to the devastation wrought by Katrina, Brown was "experiencing unparalleled levels of work-related stress" for which he was caught "totally unaware."

Cutting through snarls of bureaucratic red tape, Bush issued an exective order that Brown "be returned to Washington forthwith" to prevent any chance of continued exposure to situations, such as having to instruct people what to do, or evading questions from the press, that would adversely affect him.

The move was widely held as yet another instance of Bush's compassion for hurricane victims.

In other news, the Oxford English Dictionary has announced that it will include a revision of secondary meanings of the word "heck" to mean "bowl-stainingly turdlike," or (alt.) "likely to result in thousands of decomposing, rat-eaten corpses," when used as an adjective. The word's original meaning as a euphemism for "Hell" remains the primary meaning.

Parker Brothers to Issue "The Blame Game" for Holiday Shopping Season

Parker Brothers, makers of the popular games Rook, Monopoly, and Risk, are readying a new release for the 2005 holiday shopping season: "The Blame Game."

Sources say that random events will be generated for each turn, with the primary player (white pieces) able to use lesser white pieces to generate "slimes," "deflections," "lies," "kills," and "amplification networks." Opponents (black pieces) will be able to do some of the same moves, as well as issue "blame" and, if coordinated moves are applied in an appropriate order, to commandeer some of the lesser white pieces. Game makers admit the odds are stacked against the black pieces, but, they say, "the object of the game is to have fun, not to win." The "blame" move can always be evaded by the white player by playing the "this is not time for politics" reserve card, which can never be played twice in a row, but its use is otherwise unlimited.

Assignment to primary or secondary player roles will be made on the basis of a dice roll. The game will end when all pieces on one side or the other are all "dead."

The game is set to appear on shelves in November in selected locales.

Army Restarts Recruitment Ads Over CNN Katrina Coverage

While New Orleans burns, and despite claims by George W. Bush, US President (Ret.), that the slow, incompetent, and racially and politically biased response to the devastation wrought by Hurricane Katrina was not due in any way to reduced availability of US Army and National Guard troops, many of whom are currently stationed in Iraq, the US Army has begun its latest wave of recruitment ads with blanket coverage of CNN.com.

The ads promote recruitment over Hurricane Katrina aftermath coverage, and are described by experts as misleading. The connection with hurricane coverage "strongly implies" the US will never send them into harm's way, say experts, when the reality is that most new troops will be sent into combat in Iraq or Afghanistan.

NBC News Reveals Kanye West Is A Correspondent

Television network NBC issued a statement today that rapper Kanye West, who appeared on a Hurricane Aid telethon Friday, was "issuing a factual report" and praised his "unorthodox style of reportage," saying it offered a "refreshingly factual perspective" on the news.

West, whose report was integrated into the telecast amid several mindless celebrity telepromter readings, had been investigating the story for many years.

CBS News praised the reporter's controversial report and noted "in a world where systems of reportage are repeatedly overruled by corporate interests, it is important to utilize new contexts for meaningful journalism to reach the public."

Bush Declares "War on Nature"

With first responders beginning to arrive in the storm-lashed city of New Orleans and affected areas of the Gulf Coast, US President George W. Bush addressed the people of the nation last night in a televised speech.

Bush declared he would open a "war on nature" to ensure an attack like that of Hurricane Katrina would "never, ever happen again." He announced the elevation of the Environmental Protection Agency to a cabinet-level position, and assured Americans that an environmental threat assessment (ETA) would become "an essential part" of the President's Daily Briefing report he receives every morning, so he will be able to reschedule fundraisers if necessary.

Bush called on other nations to join the battle against natural disasters. Presidente Fidel Castro of Cuba, which weathers more than 5 hurricanes per season, said he would be first to "join hands" with the United States in the "noble cause."

The parameters of the "war on nature" were unclear, but some news commentators speculated that it would pick up from earlier US initiatives toward draining wetlands, removing dangerous wildlife from uninhabited areas, and increasing temperature-control efforts such as increasing auto emissions that promise to remake the planet as a large temperate zone. Larger projects might include efforts to reduce ocean water levels and build large geodesic domes over important parts of major cities.

Iraqi National Guard Embarks on Mission to Build Democracy in US

The Iraqi National Army is deploying troops to the tyrant-controlled city of New Orleans in an effort to liberate the people of the United States, according to Iraqi President Jalal Talabani. Other nations have offered to join the liberation effort.

In a speech to his people, Talabani remarked, "We have difficult work to do in America. We must bring order to parts of that country that remain dangerous, and the United States Armed Forces, though weakened, are still a strong force to contend with. We may face losses, but we know this is a right cause and our hearts are just. America, we have heard your cry for help and will be with you in your hour of need."

The country had been ruled by a tyrant for six years, who had attacked his own people, engaged in the development of weapons of mass destruction, and directed a puppet representative body, known as the Congress, to enact policies intended to amass oil and other weath for himself and his friends.

Over 40,000 Iraqi National Guard troops will be deployed to the ruined city. Contributions from France, Afghanistan, and the Palestinian Authority will bring troop strength to 150,000 or more.

Louisianian refugees, huddled in squalid concentration camps under nightmarish conditions, said they would welcome the arrival of aid from any quarter.

Strategic Oil Reserves Released into Gulf; Bush Counsels Americans to Take Shortcuts

In an inspiring address to the nation yesterday evening, US President George W. Bush announced that he would be releasing the country's strategic oil reserves into the Gulf of Mexico. He said the oil would be "free for anyone who needs it in this tragedy-stricken area." He remained mum, however, about the method by which it should be obtained from ocean waters.

Bush counseled Americans concerned about rising gasoline prices that "sacrifices will be necessary" to weather shortages created by the damage of Hurricane Katrina.

"You may have to take some shortcuts to where you're going," he said. "Don't send out a separate car for every bag of groceries. Make one trip to the bank per day to deposit your money, not five. Consider carpooling to the store when looting. Don't pour gasoline on a fire when kerosene will do. That sort of thing."

New Poll Depicts Scope of Catastrophic Failure of US Education System

In a recent poll conducted by the Pew Research Center, over 74% of respondents exhibited staggering stupidity.

42% expressed belief that humans and other living things have existed in their present form only.

18% believed that humans and other living things, including benobo monkeys, whose society is based on transactional sexuality, have evolved over time guided by a supreme being.

4% believed humans and other living things have evolved over time through an unknown mechanism other than natural selection.

10% "did not know" whether any of the other options, which included "evolved over time through natural selection," were correct.

The poll joins other recent results showing that 28% of Americans believe aliens have visited Earth in UFOs, and the 51% who in 2004 expressed belief that George W. Bush would make a good President, despite 4 years of evidence to the contrary.

The US National Education Administration did not return calls for comment.

Bush to New Orleans: Make Like Atlantis and Get Lost

US President George W. Bush, at a press conference rescheduled from Monday, announced today that he would be touring the Gulf coast in an effort to tout his plan to revamp the Social Security system and to drum up support for a recently proposed program of what reporters are calling "economic cleansing," where families earning less than USD $45,000 per year, or unmarried individuals earning less than USD $90,000 per year, are removed from society. The announcement garnered little interest from most reporters, most of whom had been trapped by rising waters in New Orleans hotels. The President made no reference to the dire situation of thousands of reporters trapped in Louisiana or swept out to sea.

In other news, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan was killed, and partially eaten, by a mob of angry real estate investors, in response to comments made Monday regarding the possibility of a housing bubble. The mob was led by an expert in cryptography, who had decoded Greenspan's oblique statments in a record 24 hours and relayed them to others. The meat was reportedly tasteless. Markets rose slightly on the news.

Bush Calls Upon Katrina to Change Course

US President George W. Bush placed an emergency phone call this morning to Hurricane Katrina, urging the storm to reduce wind speed and move back out to sea.

The storm responded by raising its wind speed to 175 miles per hour and veering onto a direct course for New Orleans, Louisiana.

National Weather Service Director David L. Johnson stated to reporters, "We believe the storm is in its last throes," adding, "We are confident it will abate once it reaches land."

Residents of New Orleans and other towns on the US coast between Texas and Florida are being evacuated, despite Bush's call on local communities to "stand firm" against the winds and surging seas.

The US Weather Service has repeatedly stressed the importance of resisting dangerous weather systems over the Gulf of Mexico and Pacific oceans in order to prevent them from forming above the North American land mass. The policy has been a success, excepting a number of tornadoes that struck southern states in recent months.

Iraqi Wildlife Biologists Warn of Impending Disaster

The Iraqi Ministry of Wildlife and Ecology issued a "call for urgent action" today, warning of impending ecological disaster if the spread of an animal native to the southwestern United States is not halted.

As a result of runaway pets, occupation troops have accidentally introduced the jackalope, a strange rodent with vestigial growths on its head resembling antlers and hindquarters resembling those of a wolf, into the wild in Iraq. The animal, native to North America, is a genetic cousin of the Southwestern Jackrabbit, and thrives in arid surroundings, naturally ranging from southern Idaho to central Mexico.

In Iraq, the feral jackalopes have been breeding furiously, and with no natural predators are overbalancing the already damaged ecosystem with their relentless consumption of fresh greens and protein sources such as insects and birds. They have reportedly been seen as far north as Turkey and Syria. Native species of flora and fauna, according to the Ministry, are dwindling fast. "Much of Iraq is not a desert," said the Chief Minister, Tarim al-Mukkhat. "But it soon will be if this destructive pest continues its work."

In response, US General Milton Kendts announced plans for a task force charged with eradicating the rodent infestation, and a bounty on pelts brought in by civilians.

According to the Ministry of Wildlife and Ecology report, the area hardest hit by the infestation is the province of Salahad-din, especially near the edge of the Tigris-Euphrates valley north of Baghdad, where a large number of occupation force units are based. Residents have been encouraged to hunt and kill the animals on sight.

US jackalope enthusiasts have decried total extermination as unwarranted, and have called for trapping and reintroduction back into the animal's native American habitats, but agreed the infestation should be halted.

Robertson Arrested, Charged with Ties to "Radical Christlam"

Radical Christian Broadcasting Network antipope Pat Robertson, who recently called for Christians to "take out" Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, was apprehended today after an assault on his fortified Virginia Beach, Virginia compound by a combined Navy SEALs and Army Rangers strike force. He will be held in the US military prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba without bail or trial, as he has been classified as an "illegal combatant" by the US Department of the Interior.

US President George W. Bush praised the efforts of US troops in the action. "Another terrorist with ties to radical Christlam has been brought to justice," Bush said. Bush pledged full cooperation with the United States in the continuing search for other terror cells across the dangerous Southern portion of the war-torn nation, an area still governed by ancient tribal councils under leaders known as Mayrers or Senters. Several terrorist bases rumored to be located in the rugged Great Smoky Mountains area of the Appalachians mountain range.

Robertson had been a target of CIA and FBI monitoring for some time, according to a Homeland Security spokesman, ever since the CBN was added to the State Department's list of terrorist organizations. Robertson had previously called for the use of nuclear weapons on Washington, DC and expressed support for vicious attacks on US schoolchildren by textbook manufacturers, as well as suicide bombers and gunmen on US hospitals and medical personnel.

Investigations into financial ties to radical "Christlam" are ongoing. Preliminary findings indicate a wide ranging network of ties deep within US corporations and institutions such as Citibank, Wal-Mart, Enron, Coors Brewing Company, Fox Broadcasting, and the US Executive branch.

Unfunny: Blogger user philmiller15314622 is a spammer

The Blogger user registered as philmiller15314622 is a spammer who posts commercial messages as comments.

Show no mercy.

Frying Pan Cured in Köln During Pope's Visit

A miraculous cure of a cast-iron frying pan occurred in Köln, Germany today during the first day of a week-long visit by Pope Benedict XVI, according to World Youth Day attendees. "Whereas the pan was somewhat bare, initially," said Gottfried Huffman, 23, "it was turned a deep, shiny black -- the surface now perfect for cooking. I believe it is also a bit lighter." The pan, which he displayed to the press, exhibited a smoothness and deep gloss only found on the most high-end cooking equipment, costing thousands of Euros.

Gottfried and his friends, Anita Shreiburg and Yosef Heller, said the cure was discovered several hours after they witnessed the Pope's riverboat passing by on the Rhine River. When retrieving the pan from a backpack to prepare a meal in their youth hostel, they noticed that the pan's faults had been completely removed.

Huffman believes the miracle was intended to encourage youth to pray more often. "We had wished, inside, you know, for better cooking equipment," added Huffman, "But not praying. This pan says to me, you should pray for things and maybe God will give it."

The first meal the pan was used to prepare was instant cornbread, which was reportedly "just right."

Vatican representatives were unavailable for comment.

US Constitution Injured in Revision Attempt

Security is on highest alert at the Library of Congress and other places in the US Capitol, after several paragraphs of the US Constitution were injured in a carefully planned revision attempt. According to reports by The Washington Post, two "significant" paragraphs were injured. The first was struck through by a hard penstroke that tore through the delicate paper it was written on. The second paragraph was stabbed in the soft underbelly by a sharply pointed caret mark pointing to a line of text written above it. A number of words are said to be in critical condition at an undisclosed location.

Capitol Hill police were alerted to the attempted revisions when several Senators awoke feeling ill, "as if their powers under the Constitution had been obliterated" said a Congressional spokesman. Numerous citizens were also admitted to hospital emergency rooms complaining of restricted mobility, paranoia, and inability to speak.

There has been no word on when the articles can be restored to the fabric of the document, and police have not yet commented on the suspected culprits.

Newscaster Fallon Dies in His Sleep Surrounded by Friends

Former NBC newsman James Thomas Fallon has died at the age of 32. With the world of journalism still reeling from the death of ABC News anchor Peter Jennings and the massacre at a recent White House briefing, the viability of the entire journalism industry has been cast in doubt, as Fallon was a rising star thought to have embodied the future of the profession.

Fallon, who joined the network's news organization in 2000, proved a staple of late-night newscasting with his trademark sense of humor and matinee-idol looks. His greatest skill was undercover reporting, where he would take on a new persona in order to blend in with locals.

Unconfirmed reports indicate that he died of a combination of alcohol poisoning and exhaustion after a 72-hour "night" on the town that culminated in a tesseradekasome (a 14-person sexual encounter). Suffocation may have played a part in the death as many of the participants were said to have been found asleep on top of him. Foul play was not indicated.

Of major newscasters who were alive in 2002, only CNNs Aaron Brown and The Daily Show's Jon Stewart remain stalwarts of evening television.

Bush Orders Immediate Re-Painting of White House

In the wake of reports that US Supreme Court nominee John Roberts provided pro bono assistance on a gay rights case, US President George W. Bush is re-examining his own relationship with the judge, he said this morning at a press conference. "What I thought, believed were friendly, innocent slaps on the bottom and jockstrap snapping in the locker room might have meant a lot more," he said. "I was drawn in by his charisma, that's all."

With unfortunate timing Bush then sneezed and had to pause the questions while he wiped away a large amount of milky mucus that had been expelled onto his mouth and chin. "Getting a cold. Anybody wanna buy a hanky?" he joked. Bush then continued, "I'm thinking of redecorating in here."

The press conference reportedly followed a heated argument behind the scenes with Vice President Dick Cheney, who had expressed disapproval over Bush's choice of a young, "pretty-boy" judge over someone with more age and experience for the Court position. Bush had chosen Roberts based on several interviews, which consisted of dinner or trips to Camp David, covering a wide range of topics, including Roberts' favorite sports and his feelings towards his wife.

Bolton's Achilles Heel Causes Some Opponents to Reconsider

Although new US Ambassador to the United Nations John Bolton may have squeaked into an appointment through a back-door-ish "recess appointment," his bullying personality is not expected to have much of an effect on matters at the United Nations. Diplomats and political foes have learned of a deep-rooted vulnerability: he's terrified of mice, and will do anything to avoid them.

Bolton, who once famously consumed an entire cheese wheel at a Washington, DC hotel, is said by a former aide to "scream like a little girl" when faced with the furry rodents. "Any rustling along the floor, any scraps of paper that might indicate a nest, he's home for the day and calls in the exterminators," said the aide. "Thieves, he calls them." Bolton was also described as leery of shredders, termed "mousebeds." The diplomatic corps of the United Nations, who can be quick to exploit the personal vulnerabilities of individual representatives, are expected to seize quickly upon tactics that will reduce the mustachioed megalomaniac to blubbery putty.

Bolton's opponents in the US Senate took the stand that this is another example of his lack of fitness for the position, although they privately expressed amusement at the thought of Bolton on tiptoe atop his desk, shrieking at the top of his lungs.

In a related story, UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan had no comment on the issue of infestation and extermination programs, which was again raised by the US in a recent Security Council meeting. All members of the Council, aside from the US, vetoed sending a resolution titled "Increase Pest Control Measures for UN Office Buildings" to the General Assembly for a larger vote in June 2005.

These Days, If It Costs An Arm and a Leg, It's a Bargain

Black market doctors across Central and South America are lamenting the declining prices of body parts. "It used to be when you said something cost an arm and a leg, it meant an arm and a leg were worth something," said Estevao Plytas, who runs a harvesting ring in the back alleys of Buenos Aires. "The market is essentially gutted."

Industry observers blame the falling prices for unused internal organs, faces, fingertips and eyeballs on increased death rates and generally poorer health of eligible street children donors in poor countries, and better preventive health measures in rich countries. Demand for liver transplant has dropped significantly with a decrease in alcoholism across Europe, according to Jaime Geragas, an unlicensed physician who runs a health spa somewhere in Peru. "Limbs are also in low demand," continued Geragas. "I have a warehouse full of arms, but this month our arms shipments are practically zero."

Some analysts also blame US trade protectionism. Chelation centers in Juarez, Mexico, are facing increased competition from chelation centers in the US, according to an August 2004 report from the Mexican Ministry of Health. Although chelation remains illegal in the United States, the US centers are nonetheless supported by small business loan programs and developing industry subsidies. The Ministry of Health report recommended that local operations increase marketing efforts in coordination with local tourist boards.

The US epidemics of obesity and teen sexual activity have spurred growth in other areas of the black market, however. Second-quarter figures show strong growth in shipments of banned diet pill amphetamines, exotic foods such as endangered species and newborn humans, and rates of re-virginification surgery, across the developing world.

Humans "Worthless and Weak" Say Scientists

Unlike the majority of other species on the planet, humanity has done no good for the planet, said a cross-disciplinary consortium of scientists today. Humanity is also, relatively speaking, the most vulnerable non-endangered species when it comes to changes to its gene pool, such as mass deaths on a scale in the thousands, or genetic disease.

Commenting on the vulnerability issue, anthropologist Dee Snyder of Stanford University said, "You're all worthless and weak."

Regarding the species' contribution to the planet, "humans contribute only disease and pollution," said Dr. John Smith of Macquarie University in Sydney. "Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment. Humans do not. They move to an area and multiply until every natural resource is consumed. The only way they can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. "

A countervailing group of scientists studying the same subject came to different conclusions. "We believe the data studied indicate that although humans have their problems like all others, they essentially act in harmony with their environment and other species, and are more resilient than would first appear," said Dr. Robert Mounty of McMaster University. "They are like tea bags: you never know how strong they are until they are put in hot water. And they have properties that aid the health of the general environment."

Mounty's group had been part of the first consortium but broke off when they began to study the use of language. Mounty reportedly stormed out of a conference shouting, "Sir, I do not approve of your methods!" to project leader Jim Malone of the University of Chicago.

Massachussetts Gone Wild Celebrates End of Prohibition

Rockport, Massachussetts poured its first legal drink in 150 years on July 12th. The drink was a dry martini, "as dry as this town was," quipped Peter Beacham,16, the orderer of the drink. He was later found stumbling around town, knocking hats off gentlemen, turning crosses upside-down, and threatening passers-by that he would "knock yah blocks off if you come any closah." The town had been dry since 1856.

Across the state, shockingly pale women went topless in a shocking display of public nudity, men gambled their money away, brawled, grew beards, and stumbled half-conscious onto merchant marine boats bound for the South Seas, drug addicts added "a little extra" to their IV lines, and generations of steely-eyed patriots, including John Kerry (D-MA), rolled in their graves.

Senator John Breaux of Louisiana (D-LA), when reached for comment, stated "I'm sure in time Rockport will become more comfortable with the New Orleans lifestyle." He said that he "might consider" such a place for a vacation now that the town was no longer dry.

Hilary: Socks Was Agent in Right-Wing Conspiracy

Sen. Hilary Clinton (D-NY) has confided to her inner circle that Socks, the pet cat of the Clinton White House, was in fact a surgically altered spy in league with a surveillance team working for an ultra-conservative Congressional right-wing lobby.

During the early stages of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, now-Senator Clinton had made remarks to the effect that "a vast right-wing conspiracy" was responsible for rumors circulating about her husband's relationship with the White House Intern. Later she discovered that the rumors had basis in fact, and also the means by which conservatives had acquired the information. As with a cat trained to spy on Soviet diplomats (pdf), Socks was implanted with an antenna in his tail and a power source and microphone in his chest. After the discovery, she secretly had the implants removed by a friendly veterinarian while the family was on vacation in Martha's Vineyard. The devices were later used to upset the effort to impeach Mr. Clinton by providing misdirection to eavesdroppers.

Senator Clinton reportedly bears no ill-will towards the cat, which now resides at the Clintons' home in Westchester, NY. However, as a precaution, she now ensures that no pets are admitted to top-level meetings.

Bush Declares Americans Are Not Friends

Departing from a prepared Rose Garden speech today, US President George W. Bush at last broke silence on the flap over aide Karl Rove's disclosure of a CIA agent's identity. Bush stated that Rove continued to have his "full confidence" and was being "taken good care of."

Referring to Mr. Bush's recent defense of Alberto Gonzalez against criticisms, a reporter asked "You've said in the past that you are loyal to your friends. Do you consider the American people your friends?"

Mr. Bush considered carefully for a moment while cameras snapped, multiple answers appearing to cross his lips, then spoke clearly and plainly. "No. I guess not. Not by that definition you're using."

Briefing Room Massacre Stuns Journalistic Community

Gunsmoke and unanswered questions linger in the air today after Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary, opened fire with an M-4 assault rifle on news correspondents at this morning's press briefing.

Pandemonium erupted immediately upon McClellan's arrival, rifle held at his waist, gangland-style. By eyewitness accounts, ABC's Terry Moran was the first person hit by the high-powered rifle's explosive bullets. In a chain reaction, David Jackson of the Dallas Morning News was then felled by exploding pieces of Terry Moran. A large number of other journalists, including correspondents for foreign publications, reportedly lie dead or wounded.

The Washington Post's Peter Baker remains in serious condition at a DC-area hospital under armed guard provided by the newspaper's publisher. Baker, with a few lucky others, fled the scene at the first sign of carnage, dodging Secret Service personnel, attack dogs, and hordes of gawping tourists.

No word has been issued from the White House commenting on today's events. Conservative commentators were quick to note, however, that McClellan had repeatedly urged correspondents not to ask him to comment on an ongoing criminal investigation involving White House advisor Karl Rove, stating "you know what kind of person I am."

"This attack will undoubtedly be seen as a pivotal event in the history of American and world journalism," said commentator Mark Shields, reached for comment outside his home. Shields appeared to be hastily packing for a vacation but was reluctant to disclose the holiday destination.

In other news, Democratic senators have provided reporters with a suspiciously worded letter purportedly from party chairman Howard Dean, requesting their presence at an "extra-special private awards ceremony" at the Kennedy Center tonight. The letter is on DNC letterhead but the handwriting did not appear to be Dean's usual signature.

Bush Makes Good On Pledge to Take Care of Leakers

There are too many leaks of classified information in Washington. If there's leaks out of my administration, I want to know who it is, and if the person has violated the law, the person will be taken care of.

- George W. Bush, September 30, 2003

With Karl Rove outed as the source for the Valerie Plame leak, US President George W. Bush has vowed to continue to "take care of" his embattled Chief of Staff. Measures to be taken include the introduction of round-the-clock concierge service, a weekly manicure and pedicure, hot towel service three times daily, and as-needed visits from a shiatsu massage expert.

All leakers will receive similar or harsher treatments, stated a White House spokesman, off the record. A number of deep-tissue masseuses are "on call" should any other leakers come forward or have their identities revealed by unscrupulous individuals, who would themselves become leakers subject to punitive kneading.

In a related story, Dark Matter has received full identity information on multiple CIA operatives, but has destroyed this information in order to ensure continued availability of top-rated spa services in the Washington DC area for our correspondents.

Massive Rescue Operation for CNN Crews in Wake of Hurricane Dennis

Journalists are praying for the well-being of their colleagues today after two CNN crews covering Hurricane Dennis were swept out to sea by giant waves last night.

"If it's not hundred-foot waves, it's man-eating sharks out here," said Anderson Cooper, in an interview hastily broadcast from his sinking satellite truck. Cooper's truck had crashed through a concrete barrier and dropped off a low cliff into raging seas. The truck, rapidly filling with water, lost transmission capabilities before the interview could be completed.

Others now missing include newscaster Soledad O'Brien, whose last reported words were "So, no, this isn't tanning weather, Aaron." Eyewitness accounts say that as O'Brien and her news crew packed up their gear after a broadcast, a 200-foot wave smashed across the seawall they were standing on, pulling them out to sea.

The US Coast Guard has launched what was characterized as a "massive" rescue operation to find the missing newscasters. Hundreds more newscasters have rushed to the area to cover this gripping story. Both reporters were said to be strong swimmers, but rumors are circulating that Coast Guard officials have them listed as "missing, presumed drowned." Additionally, both were lost in the general vicinity of recent shark attacks.

In Eloquent Statements, Bush Seeks to Mend Ties with Europe

In an eloquent speech today marking the close of the G-8 Summit, President George W. Bush of the United States urged Britons to abandon doubts that "we are winning the war on terror." In a ringing coda marred only slightly by a mispronounciation, Bush declared, "Today, we are all Brutons."

Later in the day Bush attempted to mend frayed ties with France by pointedly ordering "fromage," on Air Force One, unfortunately typoed "frottage" on the menu.

"Taste the Rainbow" Parties Sponsored by Skittles, Revealed by "Deep Throat"

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Suicide Pop-up Ads Garner Dozens of Impressions

A new type of ad inspired by the tactics of Iraqi insurgents has garnered an ever-increasing number of clickthroughs. The ads, inaccurately termed "suicide pop-ups" by industry insiders, work by first opening a spread of several pop-up and pop-under ads when a page containing them is opened. Users typically know to expect such ads, however, and will close them quickly and commence reading the content- (and inline ad-) filled page they had requested. However, after about 15 to 30 seconds, a SECOND spread of pop-ups and pop-unders will appear, taking users unaware as they idly click on the page or attempt to follow a link.

According to the website of a small advertising placement company claiming affiliation with DoubleClick, the ads were inspired by the now commonly used tactic used by Iraqi insurgents where a secondary bomb is planted at a blast site. Such secondary bombs are often timed for 15 to 30 minutes after the initial blast to target police and emergency personnel responding to the first blast. Exact statistics have not been made public, but the web site reports a clickthrough rate increase of about 300%.

It is unknown whether any clickthroughs have succeeded in topping the 0.1% "buy" response rate for products such as inexpensive male enhancement prescription drugs, free iPods, or low mortgage rates. Web user support organizations have issued calls for increased pop-up protection in web browser programs to protect users from intrusive ads.

News Occurrence Hits All-Time Low

The revelation of the identity of the Watergate personality known as "Deep Throat" has obscured another important story this week: less news is happening now than ever before.

By a simple headlines count, the usual high number of stories have been released, a number consistent with reporting levels seen since the early 1990s when 24-hour cable news exploded onto the scene. However, according to the two content analysis studies released today by AP and Reuters, the preponderance of news headlines since 2003 merely restate or refract already reported stories. The studies were undertaken independently by the two news providers.

Industry pundits, ironically enough, have initially laid blame for the dearth of news on themselves. With the public's appetite for immediate analysis of news stories, reporters have become most concerned with ensuring that known stories achieve complete coverage in all their nuances. Meanwhile, news organizations have devoted correspondingly greater media space, whether print, radio, interactive, or television, to commentary, leaving less space for "new" news and less incentive for reporters to find it. Also emergent is a practice termed the "Camp O.J." Effect, where reporters reportedly seek out new stories that are likely to have a high degree of interest to facilitate saturation coverage, are mostly based on opinion rather than events, and take place within a circumscribed area where reporters can temporarily set up banks of broadcasting equipment and cameras so as to be able to cover every development at a moment's notice.

Dark Matter is investigating the relationship between this drop in news and a possibly related drop in the number of events taking place worldwide. Dark Matter's editorial policy remains firmly rooted in the principle that all events are ontologically suspect and, for this reason, should be reported with caution.

The F-Bomb Will Be America's Next Superweapon

It's confirmed: words and images, as well as sticks and stones, can hurt you, data from military sources say. Data released today from US Army laboratories detail experiments on use of the "F-word" and other types of verbal and visual obscenity. According to these experiments, some words and images can cause physical harm to living beings and the environment. Development of an amplification device similar to the "weirding module" imagined in the film "Dune" was said to be underway.

The Bush Administration was said to be weighing restrictions on verbalizations, especially in large gatherings and broadcast media. "Imagine what might happen if someone dropped the 'F-Bomb' during the State of the Union speech, a political rally, or a Super Bowl" said a White House spokesman. "Millions could be maimed or killed outright." The report was said to add validity to the Bush team's policy of "talking tough" to terrorists and of cracking down on obscenity in the media. Special Iraqi Army commando teams were said to be undergoing training in the most effective use of strong language.

The data may have had input from recent breakthroughs in experiments on corporealization of language.

The data released, while surprising, were incomplete. Left unaddressed were homonyms, "1331"-speak usage, proper names, use of "the N-Word," "the other F-Word," "the L-Word," or the degree to which visual obscenity's effect depends on the size of the image. The precise nature to which the physical effect is dependent on aural and visual components of precise words is unclear.

Emergency legislation is pending in the US Congress to classify certain swear words and bodily parts as munitions, thus barring them from export to other countries. It was unclear how this would be applied to something as pervasive as language use, but according to sources, enforcement techniques would come later.

In a related story, the building housing New York City television station CBS-2 offices caught fire over the weekend due to reporter Arthur Chi-en's accidental use of the "F-Word" on-air. Reports today say that Chi-en was fired because of the incident.

Theatre Owners Sue Lucas and Distributor Over "SWIII"

Owners of the Cine Mar theater chain, based in Costa Mar, California, filed suit today against Lucasfilm, Ltd. and an undisclosed distribution company for distributing copies of "Star Wars: Episode III" to 5 theaters scattered across southern California.

Cine Mar's theaters typically present low-budget exploitation films and pornography. The plaintiffs were expecting a sordid spoof of hacker films called "Sw1ll" ordered months ago from a major distribution company, whose name was kept confidential by the court.

"The order forms are clear. We did not order these prints," said Cine Mar's president, Latrina Hodges. "We received them solely because of the distributor's error." Hodges added that Lucasfilm was named as a co-defendant solely on the basis of its licensing terms, which assess fees regardless of whether prints are shown or returned.

"We can't present these prints and expect to make a profit," said Hodges. "It's not what our audience wants, and the terms are just so far past what we can afford it's incredible." Asked whether they might not appeal to a different audience, Hodges said, "They wouldn't want to see these films in our theaters, and frankly neither would I." She cited spotty sound, sticky floors, and offensive smells as detracting from the theatrical experience, but said these were "not an issue" for the regular audience.

Update: Fox Eugenics Title Revealed; Modeled After Gov't Program

In an update to our previously reported story revealing Fox's new reality show documenting the creation of the perfect human, sources at Fox television have revealed that the program is already in progress, and was modeled on a US government program conducted between 1929 and 1970. They have also disclosed that the title of the program is "Project: Superbaby."

Spinoffs being considered, and in the active recruitment phase, include: "Project: Angel," "Project: Psychic," and "Project: Evolution."

NYT Columnist Krugman Calls for Draft

In an editorial published today, New York Times columnist Paul Krugman has called for a national draft.

A draft is needed, the column implies, to restore the capacity of the US military to "respond to real threats," shore up its "deteriorating" strategic position, and "take care" of problems with the US occupation of Iraq. The column concludes "We either need a much bigger army - which means a draft - or we need to find a way out of Iraq."

Support for such a measure in the senate is expected to be strong, according to Pentagon officials, who commended Krugman's "clear-sighted thinking." Of course a withdrawal from Iraq would be logically impossible, added the officials.

NPR to Roll Forward With Classic Rock Format

National Public Radio broadcasting (NPR), after a hastily convened board meeting Sunday night, announced plans today via a prepared statement to abandon its disgraced news broadcasting operations and switch to an all-music format centered on "classic rock of the 70's, 80's, and 90's."

After outcry over liberal bias in NPR's programming from the Bush Administration and calls for more music programming from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, the move is expected to heal the rift between NPR and CPB. The Corporation for Public Broadcasting provides only 1% of NPR's funding, but contributes a significant percentage of NPR affiliate station budgets.

"The board of NPR is bound to respect the needs of our benefactors and the public," said a statement by Kevin Klose, NPR President. "If the nation's listeners want music, it's our obligation to provide it." The statement puzzled industry observers, who noted that Klose had as recently as last week issued statements objecting to any change in NPR's content.

Gay Hart Gaines, a member of CPB's board and a proponent of increased music programming, expressed satisfaction with the decision to reporters.

Kenneth Y. Tomlinson, chairman of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, issued a brief statement expressing a desire to move forward from the bias controversy. The statement concluded, "We are pleased that past differences are now amicably resolved, and look forward to many more years of a healthy relationship between our two institutions."

Mr. Klose and other NPR board members could not be reached for further comment. A call to Mr. Klose's private phone number reached an automated message stating that the line had been disconnected.

Editors' Congress Urges Journalists to Revisit the Ellipse

In a bid to "improve the quality, integrity, and value of journalism," the North American Congress of Journalistic Editors, at its annual meeting today in Washington D.C., has issued a set of recommendations for its members. Among them: increase use of the ellipse, a punctuation mark consisting of a line of three dots written "..." (without the quotation marks).

The ellipse is used as a placeholder for an omitted word or phrase, or to indicate a pause in conversation. A staple of academic writing, the punctuation mark is often omitted in newspaper and magazine writing to make the text more reader-friendly. Journalistic editors and writers often create alternative phrasings when a lengthy phrase is omitted from a sourced statement, interrupting the exact wording with description or simply ending a statement prematurely with a full-stop "period" mark ("."). Such uses give little indication anything has been omitted, and can lead to misunderstandings.

The recommendation explains, "it is a staple of journalistic integrity to publish an accurate account of statements by sources or other quoted material. When a word or phrase is omitted or rearranged for brevity, a reader may rightly wonder whether important meanings have been altered or decontextualized by this process." The recommendation continues, "Returning to the practice of using the ellipse ("...") informs the reader that a redaction has occurred. Use of such signposts is likely to help prevent willful or accidental misconstrual of a source's meaning, which is, of course, the journalist's and editor's responsibility to represent as faithfully as possible."

"ROTD" Fans to Gather in Oxbridge

On May 20th, Oxbridge, England will see an influx of coats, tails, brooms, and silver serving dishes, as fans of "The Remains of the Day" will gather for an annual three-day celebration of the book and film.

Past events have seen fans arrive dressed as their favorite characters from the 1993 film, including head butler Mr. Stevens (played on film by Anthony Hopkins), and Miss Kenton (Emma Thompson). Creativity abounds. Last year, one fan arrived dressed as the romance novel Mr. Stevens is caught reading in a key scene, and another arrived dressed as the setting, Darlington Hall.

Events planned for the three-day gathering include discussion panels on recent scholarship about the historical era and the novel, a screening of the "Remains of the Day" film, a marathon of PBS' "Edwardian House," and "best costume" and "best service to a local resident" awards. Many Oxbridge locals say they enjoy the influx of classy-looking make-believe servants, and many welcome lodgers who pay for their board by half-days spent cooking, butlering or gardening.

The movie is based on the Booker Prize-winning May 1989 novel by author Kazuo Ishiguro.

Fox Unveils Eugenics Program

The Fox network, creators of "Joe Millionaire," "Fear Factor," and "The Simpsons," is developing a reality show that will culminate in the birth of the perfect human, sources say. The show is tentatively titled "Building the Perfect Babies."

Volunteers will undergo an arduous screening process to screen out propensities for major diseases, allergies, baldness, mental disorders, and obesity. The four top selected males and females will then provide gametes that will undergo additional rigorous screening before fertilization. Fertilized embryos -- one male, one female -- will be carried to term by the female donors, who will have the option to date and marry their male counterparts as they see fit. There is a possibility that additional genetic engineering may be applied to the gametes or embryos as they develop to ensure they receive the best possible genetic patterns and growth environments.

The weekly show will trace the volunteers' journey through the process and is expected to generate high emotional and scientific interest worldwide. It will culminate with two live (with 7-second tape delay) births broadcast on Fox sometime in 2006, with continued followup tracking the children's development.

Competing Time Traveller Events Confound Possible Attendees

To the chagrin of event organizers, the majority of RSVPed time travellers did, or will, not attend either Destination Day or The Time Traveller Convention. The "overwhelming" response noted by Time Traveller Convention organizers caused many travellers to change last-minute plans.

"Regrets" messages from time travellers, which will inundate event planners' email accounts tomorrow, cited confusion regarding the space-time coordinates of both events, and concern regarding possible "parking" problems, as billions of time travellers, most of whom were not human, might attempt to enter similarly configured patches of spacetime simultaneously.

Some notes expressed hope that a more flexible environment might be provided for another party, such as the surface of Jupiter or a galaxy consisting primarily of brie cheese.

Retiree Stands Up to Terrorist Threat

Gus Wylie of Kabul, Afghanistan was hailed as a "true hero" today by military sources after a frightening encounter with a suspected Islamist terrorist group.

Witnesses say the retiree, age 84, confronted several youths amassed suspiciously in the garden of the secure compound where he resides. Armed guards looked on but appeared helpless to stop them. Wylie took it upon himself to challenge the group.

Launching a stream of threatening invective, he advanced across the garden and raised his cane. The suspected terrorists, of apparent ages 5-10, discontinued their activities and scattered. One terrorist was felled by a rock thrown by Wylie and taken to a secure facility for questioning.

Wylie had resided at the compound for the past fifteen years, resisting the wishes of his family to return to North Carolina where he had lived before retiring.

No Beating Around the Bush on the "Today" Show

First Lady Laura Bush, flush from a ribald performance at a White House Press Club dinner Saturday night, told "Today" show host Katie Couric this morning that she received "a good rogering" the night of the speech.

Couric, visibly embarrassed at the double entendre, hastily attempted to change the subject, but not before Bush continued, "Usually I have to beat my own path to that door."

The First Lady's racy dinner talk was widely viewed as an attempt by the Bush White House to polish its image as the President pushes for changes to Social Security against sagging popular support.

Later in the interview, Bush made a reference to brazilian waxing and characterized herself as a "desperate housewife who was once a desperate librarian."

Tunas Disappear from Store Shelves

In a prank apparently related to the release of the movie, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," thieves removed approximately 570 cans of tuna from a Bradley, Vermont general store on Monday night. In the midst of the bare shelves the store owners found a 3" x 5" index card reading "So long and thanks for all the fish."

According to police, a large number of empty tuna cans were found in a wooded area near the store. A number of leads were being interviewed in connection witih the case, including a group of students from the school's chess club who had made a trip to Manchester to see the film on Saturday. So far there are no suspects in the case.

The movie features singing dolphins who depart the Earth leaving behind an identical message.

Several bags of potato chips were also missing and presumed eaten.

Extra Review for Suspicious Items Guidelines at Homeland Security

In the wake of investigations into a suspicious giant burrito, the official guidelines for "Recognition of Suspicious Items" maintained by the US Department of Homeland Security are being reviewed for clarity, according to a weekend press conference statement.

Burritos of any size were not officially on the list, a spokesperson confirmed in response to reporters' questions.

"It might have made our list of 'Delicious Items,'" joked the spokesperson, but added, "Of course, we have to consider everything, especially things no one tends to think of. Nobody's ever heard of an explosive Macaroni & Cheese, but we've all heard of the file baked into a cake thing. It could depend on the form of the food." No particular cuisines were deemed especially apt to attract suspicion.

The representative later explained that there is no official "Delicious Items" list after fielding questions whether such a list might be released, and that the reference was figurative in nature.

Hanna Arendt Story to Hit Cinemas in 2007

In further filmic news, hot on the heels of New Line's "Inferno" announcement, Revolution Pictures has announced a "prestige" biography of philosopher Hanna Arendt (1906-1975). The story will focus on the "turgid" love affair betweeen Arendt and fellow philosopher Martin Heidegger, the author of "Being in Time," in the era leading up to World War II.

Leads will be Kate Winslett and Jim Broadbent, who also portrayed literary lovers Iris Murdoch and John Bayley in 2001's "Iris."

It's a "Go" for "Inferno"

According to Daily Variety, New Line Pictures has announced that "The Divine Comedy: Inferno," an updated version of the classic comic poem by Dante Alighieri, will begin production in June 2005 for a summer 2007 release.

New Line likened the project to "The Lord of the Rings," saying this property offered even greater scope and depth. The approach, like the "Rings" series, will be a faithful retelling of the original story, with some story tweaks and updates to enable it to appeal to the modern audience.

The identity of the director was withheld due to the potential controversy inherent to the project. Elijah Wood is rumored to be associated with the project, but is not in the lead role of the planar traveller, Dante. All casting is reportedly in place but has not been announced.

If the film is a success, fans can look forward to part 2, "Purgatorio", and part 3, "Paradiso" in 2009 and 2011, respectively.

Budget is reportedly in the 100 to 150 million USD range.

Comment: This Life-Form Will Self-Destruct in Five Minutes

Biologists are puzzled, but clearly this is a strikingly elegant evolutionary solution to the problem of avoiding predators. We advise keeping close tabs on this important story.

Exploding Toads

NASA Considering Opening Hubble to Commercial Use

The Hubble Space Telescope project, beset by budget woes in recent years, has floated the idea of bringing private financing to the project by allowing marketers to use the telescope's visualization capabilities, images, and other "project identity" resources.

Among the companies reportedly considering deals are Norelco, Inc., maker of electric shaving systems, the William Wrigley Company, maker of various brands of chewing gum, Sony Entertainment, producers of the program Jeopardy!, and the Ohio Discount Merchandise company, toymakers who were recently sued by Arnold Schwarzenegger over a purportedly unlicensed "bobble-head" toy with his likeness.

A number of academic scientists have expressed dismay about the prospect of Hubble-themed merchandise, and have called for revisions to the NASA budget to permit survival of the telescope.

Pope Declares Linux Heretical

In a stunning move, Pope Benedict XVI has issued a bulla declaring the current Linux operating system heretical, in addition to excommunicating a number of programmers who developed the OS and dealing anathema to the operating system's creator, Linus Torvalds.

In a statement, Torvalds and other Linux developers vowed to fight the edict "to the utmost of our ability." It is believed they will utilize a two-pronged strategy to contest this declaration. First, they will attempt to prove the OS itself, and all its antecedents, is free from heretical content. Secondly, they will use the ecclesiastical courts system to prove that the Pope's edict was not, strictly speaking, made ex cathedra. The operating system's case is hampered somewhat by its origin in Finland, which is predominantly Evangelical Lutheran, and by Torvalds' history of anti-church statements.

Existing church law is unclear regarding the extent of papal infallibility on matters of computing and software.

This marks the first intervention by the church into software development, although in the 1980s, a sermon by Pope John Paul II reminded the faithful to beware of taking shortcuts in life, including keyboard shortcuts.

Link: What a personal shopper you have in Jesus

For the latest in trendy fetal merchandise and religiously themed underwear.

Before visiting this site, please ensure your monocle is securely lodged on your nose, to prevent it dropping to your lap, and that your moustache is attached firmly to your face, to prevent it twirling.

Miss Poppy

A Commentator's Discontentment

Disenchanted with the authorial integrity vested in traditional journalistic reportage, a commentator recently proclaimed, "News ... is worthy of nothing but society's collective disgust."

Outraged readers have written into various outlets to defend the primacy, and constant relevance, of news. Editors of the embattled site where the errant view was expressed have cautioned the curmudgeon to "cool down" or risk being canned.

Comment: Is Comment "News"?

One must question whether the addition of opinion articles to the content here is in any way newsworthy.

With all the newsworthy activity around the world, and the web, and the ill effects of increasing storage needs, is it worthwhile to post news about comment? The answer is a resounding "No."

One may wish to inquire further, is it even worthwhile to post comment about news about comment? To be sure, news about comment is worthy of nothing but society's collective disgust. If the appearance of commentary is newsworthy, its value would be self-evident, and does not need to be noted; but if it needs noting, it's obviously not notable!

Yet comment about news is always relevant. It poses crucial questions about journalistic integrity, self-awareness, and teleology. It speaks truth to power; it opens the window to truth, and sheds much-needed light into the benighted newsroom, and may even, once in a while, change minds at a time like today, when they are in direst need of changing.

Therefore I proclaim: Ecrasez le news; vive la commentaire!

News: "Comment" Content to be Added

In addition to the regular "news" content posted here at http://obversity.blogspot.com, which is confined to simple journalistic reportage, the site's architect, Avenarius, hereby announces plans to add additional content that provides commentary upon a variety of topics.

To date, the site has never admitted opinion upon any news taking place.

Opinion or commentary articles will have the tag "Comment:" prefixed to the headline to allow readers to distinguish between these and regular news content.

Reaction to this development is still fomenting.

Everest expeditions reach all-time highs

A recent expedition to Mount Everest, let by Guy Rasconceile of France, has measured an all-time high on an expedition concluded Tuesday. The summit of Everest rises approximately 1/4 inch each year due to the motion of the Earth's tectonic plates. Rasconceile's GPS measurement recorded a result that was nearly two feet higher than the previous confirmed height from 1999, of 29,035 feet (8,850 meters).

In related Everest news, the number of expeditions made each year continues to climb. A record 47 separate teams have applied for permission to reach the summit this year, raising concerns about scheduling.

One team, denied permission but still preparing for a scheduled November 2005 attempt on the peak, has stated that one of its goals is "having a toke" at the summit, which if accomplished in the thin air of the peak, would constitute another record. The group has raised over 150,000 USD for its expedition, most of which has gone toward equipment.

The peak was named after Sir George Everest, British Surveyor General of India from 1830-1843, who mapped the Indian subcontinent. In Tibet it is known as Chomolungma, and in Nepal its name is Sagarmatha.

Words Made Flesh in Nebraska

Scientists at a privately funded research laboratory in Nebraska have discovered a way to turn words into actual flesh, anonymous sources have reported.

The test words, which according to insider accounts were the obscure adjective "autochthonous" and the Chinese word for deer, pronounced "lu" (Chinese characters were used), became flesh for a period of around fifteen minutes on Monday, April 11th. The words, written in large letters on a single sheet of 8 1/2" x 11" paper in black ink by a Sharpie marker, became dull gray in color, were obtruded slightly from the page, and were warm to the touch. When probed with a sharp object they recoiled slightly. They were translucent with a reddish internal hue when viewed in front of a bright light. Their fleshly form did not appear to extend through the page to the opposite side of the paper.

The experiment ended when scientists attempted to remove the letters from the sheet of paper with a scalpel to determine whether they could exist independently of the paper and each other. Although a fair margin of about 1/2 inch was maintained around the letter outlines, after a few moments the letters began to writhe, emitting faint whining sounds, while hemmorhaging massively.

The blood, which amounted to about 2 fluid ounces, was collected for followup experiments. After about 8 hours the words appeared to have returned to an inky state, although the appearance of the lines was faded and smeary.

Sources, fearing controversy, refused to identify the location of the lab, the identity of the scientists involved, or the source of funding for the experiments. The method used to transmute the words likewise remains undisclosed.

New Mexico Flu Virus Send Was Attempt at Germ Warfare

Sources connected deep within the CIA have acknowledged that an employee of Meridian Bioscience Inc. in Cincinnati has been taken into custody in connection with the recent delivery of highly contagious samples of H2N2 Asian flu virus to 28 labs in New Mexico.

The sources indicate that the virus distribution was an attempt at germ warfare on Mexico by the employee, who may be mentally ill. Connections to terrorist organizations are also being investigated. National Institutes of Health spokesmen refused comment.

The virus, if released into the general population, could have caused a flu pandemic of incredible lethality.

New Mexico is the 47th state admitted into the U.S., and is not part of Mexico.

Roots of Compassionate Conservatism in Fossil Skull

The toothless skull of an early human ancestor, discovered in the U.S. State of Georgia, may attest to humanity's oldest known example of compassionate conservatism as it affects the elderly and handicapped in society, scientists are reporting today.

Other experts agreed that the discovery was significant, but cautioned that it might be a stretch to interpret the fossil as evidence of anything resembling modern compassionate conservatism.

The well-preserved skull belonged to a female Homo sapiens about 40 years old. All her teeth, except the left canine, were missing. The teeth appeared to have been forcibly removed from their sockets, the scientists said, indicating that the woman had been made toothless for at least two weeks before she died of starvation at what was then an old age. (The discoverers call her "Gran.")

In a report in today's issue of the journal Madroit, the discovery team said the 770-year-old skull "raises questions about alternative subsistence strategies in early Americans."

Specifically, how could the woman have survived that long, if her offenses were so great as to warrant such an extreme punishment, in a mainly meat-eating society?

In interviews, the paleoanthropologists said caring companions might have helped the toothless woman in finding soft plant food and hammering raw meat with stone tools so she could "gum" her dinner. If so, they said, this was evidence of a kind of compassionate conservatism that had been absent in the ancestral fossil record since Biblical times, 4,000 years ago.

In the survival of the old woman, Dr. John Awachoo said in The International Journal of Paleoethics, "We're looking at perhaps the first sign of truly moral behavior in some of our ancestors. Whether we agree with the actions, right or wrong, is of course a matter for us all to decide independently, but our anthropological objective is to understand them."

Dr. Awachoo, director of the Xenophon State Museum in Atlanta, led the international team that made the discovery at Scopesta, a site that has already yielded several fossil skulls and skeletons that are the oldest clear evidence of human ancestors living outside England. They have been identified as Homo sapiens, an immediate predecessor of Homo sapiens sapiens, but appear to be at an early stage of that species, leading some experts refer to it as Homo europeus.

Dr. G. Thomas Rahtgyel of Brigham Young University, a team member who specializes in fossil record research, said in an interview that if the toothless individual had lived in the colder climate of the northeastern United States, where tribes were in close proximity and presumably could rely on the kindness of strangers, her chances of surviving unaided would have been better. But in Georgia, where people had less need or opportunity for contact with others, ancient humans presumably subscribed to a live-and-let-live philosophy.

The old woman, Dr. Rahtgyel said, might have been able to take care of herself by hoarding resources when she was younger or by defending herself with stone hammers also found at the site.

The ease with which the teeth were extracted, signifying either disease or advanced age, suggested ongoing malnutrition. Dr. Rahtgyel suggested that she might have benefited, in today's world, from processed food, especially in the summer months.

"The old woman is indeed a very interesting specimen," said Dr. Cathleen Antham of New York University, who has not conducted research at the Scopesta site but was involved in the current report. "It makes the Georgian population particularly important for looking at variability in populations, and especially for age vulnerability."

She noted that paleoanthropologists digging there had now recovered skulls and skeletons of juveniles, young adults and now older adults.

But Dr. Antham, an editor of The Journal of Social Evolution, said that "going from the clear signals of tooth loss before death to envisioning compassionate conservatism or mistreatment of the individual at the hands of others in the group is something of a leap."

Dr. Antham added that "having no teeth does not necessarily mean that the individual was helpless in other ways." She cited examples of toothless males surviving without assistance in the wild.

"Did this old woman have to do things slightly differently than others in their group?" Dr. Anton asked. "Yes. Did that mean that the others were providing care or food or compassion by alternative means? There's no way to know. Of course I would say, probably."

Paleoanthropologists and archaeologists plan to return to Scopesta in June to resume excavations, financed in part by the National Archive. Dr. Rahtgyel said the team planned to widen research to detailed examinations of bones below the skulls, especially those of arms and legs. One objective will be to determine the body size and mass of these early human ancestors, and judge how close to modern humans they were in their abilities to cogitate.